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Empathy Aunt
Dear Empathy
Aunt—The last of my children has now left home to go to university, and I
feel so empty. I miss him so
much. Any advice please?” When it is time for one of our children
to leave home for university it is a time of transition, both for us and the
child. We have to trust in what values
and truths we have imparted to our child to keep them safe and able to make
good decisions. We have to trust them to God, and release our control over
them altogether, which if we are caring parents can be difficult. Make sure that you can text your
son. Get to know the campus yourself.
Go and see him on special occasions. Take him out. It is important though, that during the
first few weeks he does try to stay away, and get to know other students.
University is not just about education; it is also about meeting other young
people from other nations and cultures, and broadening their experience of
life. As parents, it can be a time to start a
hobby or learn about something that you have always been interested in. If
you are married or have a partner, grow together more as a couple. Spend time
better and talk about things other than your children. It is an exciting time in which you can
plan for the years you hope to have together. Eph 2v10 tells us that God has created
works for us to do that no one else can do, so spend time asking him what he
wants you to do. Concentrate on the positives. Your child may never be the same again.
Be prepared for your child to mature. You may have to share your kitchen when
he comes home, as he may want to continue his new cooking ability. Be
adaptable, love him, and tell him you love him and how proud you are of
him. Make his friends welcome
too. May
God bless you and your family Dear Empathy Aunt – I overspent at Christmas and am having
trouble paying my bills. I know I should handle my money better, but now I
seem to be trapped in a vicious circle.
Do you have any advice on how I can get my finances straight and keep
them that way? Did you know that there are
more than 2000 verses in the Bible concerning money, and at least half of the
parables address the subject? It is true that we are taught a lot about the
importance of tithing and giving, but none of us are perfect, and sometimes
we do let our finances slip out of control. Unless we take measures to
correct matters, we can find ourselves in deep problems. Sit down with pen and paper
and work out exactly what you owe. Do not bury your head in the sand. Be
brave and do the sums, you will feel better when you have done it, and you
can then come up with a plan to clear your debts. Write down everything you
spend. Is there anything you can
cancel? For example magazine subscriptions, satellite TV channels? If you
can, cancel any non-essentials. Try to reduce your food
bills. If you shop at one of the big supermarkets try shopping at one of the
smaller ‘own brand’ supermarkets. I have done this myself, the products are
very good, and you can make a great saving on your food bills. Always make
a shopping list and stick to it. This will stop you throwing
expensive luxury items into the trolley! Most of us own far too many
clothes, so just buy essential clothing for a few months. Sometimes we
buy clothes just to make ourselves feel better, and we should not do that. My
advice is to stay away from big shopping centres, especially when
there are sales on. Finding that one a bit difficult? OK do you want to get
out of this mess or not? Try to save on petrol costs by walking
instead of taking the car. Cut up your credit cards,
and never be tempted to take loans to pay off your debts. These TV adverts offering loans of
thousands of pounds to pay off your debts are from companies trying to take
advantage of desperate people. Work out a realistic
budget. Calculate how much money you have left each week after paying your
bills, and try your very hardest to stay within the limits of your budget. If
you have an overdraft to reduce, ask your bank to drop it slightly each month
until you have paid it off. All a bit depressing I know,
but look upon it as a challenge, and when you are straight, hopefully, you
will be far less likely to get into this mess again. Your local Citizens advice
Bureau will put you in touch with debt counsellors if you need further help. Remember there are four
things to do if you want to be blessed financially. WORK, GIVE, SAVE, AND SPEND. (In that order)
If you follow this then you will not go far wrong! Dear Empathy
Aunt – I am experiencing bullying from school kids who I thought were my
friends. They are horrible to me. How
can I cope? Nearly everyone
is bullied at some time in their lives, by brothers and sisters, by
neighbours, by fellow pupils, or by teachers.
Some very famous people were bullied as children. If you are being bullied you feel miserable
and unhappy, but you need to try and sort it out so that the bullying stops. Your school may
already have a way of dealing with bullies, so tell someone that you are
being bullied. Talk to your teacher or
your head. If your school ignores
bullying don’t resign yourself to becoming a ‘victim’, ask others to help
you. Sometimes it is the only way to get bullying stopped. Bullies depend on
secrecy. Your school should be
prepared to take positive action. Here are some
practical ways in which you can help yourself: Try not to show
you are upset or angry. Bullies love
to get a reaction, so keep calm and walk away. If you have to speak keep you
sentences short and precise. i.e.
“That is my pen and I want it back.” Keep saying ‘NO’ if you don’t
want to do something. Don’t give in to
pressure. Don’t fight back
- you might get blamed. Just walk away towards a crowd of people. Try and avoid being alone in places you
might get picked on. Stick within
groups even if they are not your own friends. Keep a
diary. Note everything down. It makes it easier to prove what has
happened. Don’t think like
a victim. When you have been bullied
you may start to believe that no one will ever like you. Bullies often don’t
like themselves, and they don’t want you to like yourself either. Try to feel
better about yourself. Every time you
think something bad about yourself turn it around into something positive.
Instead of thinking ‘I am hopeless at English,’ think ‘I may not be brilliant
at English but at least I can read well and I enjoy a good story’. Develop a skill or an interest. Join a
church group, or get a Saturday job if you are old enough. You could also do voluntary work. Useful telephone
numbers: YOUTH
ACCESS ( Provides names of local youth counsellors) 01509
210420 CHILD
LINE ( 24 hour phone line free for children in trouble)
0800 1111 Dear Empathy Aunt – My
friend has been told she is suffering from depression. As a Christian, she doesn’t know how to
deal with this. Can you help her? First
of all, I would like to say at the outset it is not a lack of faith to be
depressed anymore than it is a lack of trust not to follow a recipe when
baking or to have your car overhauled.
It is not a lack of faith to take medicine. Proverbs
25:20 tells us to we must be compassionate to those
who suffer with depression – Romans 12:15 ‘weep with those who weep’. Pray for your healing and get others to
pray for you but keep taking the medication which has been prescribed – as
you feel better, doctors are often willing to reduce the dosage. Depression
is both physical and psychosomatic, so depression is a real physical
condition. Sometimes it is chemical or
it can be induced by organic shock to the system, or some other cause. Depression
is a condition in which our personal spirit has died to its capacity to
sustain the person fully, either emotionally or physically. Despondency
is not the same, we all have highs and lows – generally people know if it’s a
lovely sunny day tomorrow they will feel better. One of the most telling facts about
depression is the despair it brings.
Depressed people know it won’t be better tomorrow. Depressed people very often cannot help
themselves, recovery is not a matter of thinking more positively, or making
positive confessions – recovery is a matter of rekindling and resurrecting
that deadened spirit. No person in
depression can kindle his own fire, he must be helped out of the pit by
others. Psalm 88:3-4. He needs the prayers of others. He cannot do it alone. Depressions mysteriously lift, seemingly
without a reason, but the depressed person knows it is from outside of
themselves, it was not their willpower. Depression
is not a sign of weakness. Strong
people fall into it. What you would
say to people in general one must not say to someone depressed. What usually encourages will depress a
depressive even further. There are
many things we must not do or say and it is important for the body of Christ
to understand this ·
Do not say “cheer up” or
“pull yourself together” ·
Do not take a depressed
person to a party ·
Do not preach to a
depressed person ·
Do not scold a depressed
person ·
Don’t teach him – he will
feel you don’t understand and feel condemned The
most common and basic causes of depression is a combination of performance
orientation and hidden unresolved emotional factors of guilt, fear,
resentment or rejection. The heart has
received the message probably in early childhood, “only if you measure up to
the standards around here will you be loved or belong”, so fear rules the
heart. The result is either compliance
or rebellion. Death
of a loved one or divorce may cast one into depression. If you have the gift of tears, or the
ability to rage, depression seldom affects you. The quiet, disciplined people who don’t
want to be a bother are the ones who may slip into depression, though
aggressive people can too. Anger
expressed properly is healthy, as Jesus looked around at them “with anger,
grieved at the hardness of their hearts” Mark 3:5. Remember most of the time its performance
orientation that has locked away anger. Look
for ways of giving lots of positive affirmations and compliments. If a family member is depressed, let the
family carry on solidly, the guilt of the depressed person will lessen. Depressives need that kind of ‘world is in
place’ atmosphere around them. They
can’t hold things together, so let the love and compassion of the Holy Spirit
move through our eyes and voices as we lift the weary and depressed back to
resurrected life. Depressives can be
helped. We need only know how and
persist in prayer for them. Dear Empathy
Aunt – My exams start soon and I don’t
know how I am going to cope. I only have to see the exam paper and my mind
goes blank. No one likes
exams, but life is a series of tests and exams—tests are necessary for us all
to achieve and mature in life. If
your mind goes blank it is because you are telling your mind the wrong things, and you become
anxious and fearful. If
you are anxious and have a sense that you will fail, or you are afraid of
criticism then you need to take direct action to overcome these fears. Many
of your future decisions will also be affected by fear of failure. Are you a
perfectionist or unwilling to fail? If so, this stops your creativity and
joy. It is an attempt to avoid low self esteem. Avoiding
exams or risks may seem comfortable, but it severely limits the scope of your
creativity and will also affect your service for God. Thankfully
God has a solution for fear and failure, and through the sacrifice of Jesus
on the Cross He has given us a secure self worth totally apart from any
ability to perform. God has provided our right standing with Himself,
so:- ·
ask Him for help to calm your mind. ·
don’t talk negatively about yourself. ·
talk about good and positive things. ·
when you pray, ask Jesus to help you to
keep calm. ·
remember what you have revised, and read
all of the questions slowly and carefully before you start to answer them. ·
ask members of the church to cover you
in prayer. Give them an itinerary of what you are taking for each exam. Remember, the
most successful people have to face challenges too, so go for it with God and
do your best! Dear Empathy Aunt – I am a
fairly new Christian and I live with my partner and three children. Some
people in church have suggested that we should get married. I am worried
about the reaction of my partner and about the impact on our children. Things
are currently settled and I am worried about rocking the boat, but I need
advice. For this question we have two alternative points of
view—so read on! First of all—Empathy
Aunt. I’m so pleased to hear of
your new found faith in Christ and your happy relationship with your
boyfriend and children. However, the scriptures are the
foundation of our faith and our obedience to them, so bear with me and read
as I’ve stated. Genesis 2 21-23 To be whole man needs woman and
woman needs man. God created romance and sex, and both
are to be a wonderful and intimate expression of love between a man and woman.
It was to be a union of spirit, soul and body in that order. If
the order is reversed so that the union of bodies is esteemed first, then it
is unlikely that the union of spirit and soul will take place, and the deep
inner loneliness will continue. God created the institution of marriage, and
sanctioned that sex outside of marriage is a sin against Him. There is a spiritual sensuality that
can be released through the love of union and spirit and soul that physical sensuality can never
compare with. There is a point in every man’s life
when he must become the man of his own home, and in every woman’s life when
she must establish her own household. That point is marriage. Sex before marriage debases it’s wonderful
purpose and will make the higher unions between the two more difficult. Try to focus your attention on the Lord not the
church—he wants us to be changed into his image. Don’t focus on yourselves or
the sin and focus on Him. Ask him to help you make the right decision, don’t
look at the circumstances, look to Him, and trust Him to help it all work
out. Alternative reply I must begin by reflecting
that the whole purpose of offering two separate responses to this question is
not to confuse you but to illustrate that we are a multi-voiced community (No
one person or group dictates what you have to believe). We are all on our journeys with God and
find ourselves in situations different (although maybe similar) from one
another. Some people may find more
help from the other response and that is ok. Th 1. Church of England have used the language
of ‘living in sin’ to describe your situation. I find this language deeply unhelpful. I think more accurately I might say that
you are ‘living in marriage’! Living
together for some people is an attempt to avoid the commitment of marriage
but yet you are living in common law marriage recognised to some extent in
law and by the state. Beyond this
assuming from what you have said your relationship is monogamous I believe
that God would see you as a married couple! 2. The church can be very quick to judge and
tell you how you should live. The
church is used to being in a position of power and of telling society how
they should behave. I am glad that
wider society is challenging the church’s power because our role as
Christians is to live with God in relationship and to show how things can be,
not to be some sort of moral big brother always telling people off for doing
things we don’t like! So then what do I
advise? Don’t feel pressure to do
something that might cause problems within an otherwise settled family. If and when it is the right time for you,
your husband and your children for you to get married do it then. In the mean time smile at those who seem to
be judging you knowing that this is an issue that is a far bigger problem to
them than it is to God. Thank you Empathy Aunt; If you have a
question for the Empathy Aunt please send or email you question to the Bethel
Office, or put it in the |
